Alright, so I asked what you’d want to hear, or read, me rant about, and frankly, I’m underwhelmed because apparently, only smartasses answer anything. Then again that’s nothing new. This is, of course, the internet.
But before we get into that I want to talk about going LIVE on Instagram. As you may know, I usually go live on the weekends and converse with either my buddy Doc or whoever shows up to chit chat, and we go all night with it. Last night, for example, we started at around ten and went until three in the morning. I think that’s been good for engagement. But I’ve been thinking about starting a weekly show at a set time during a reasonable hour with prearranged guests. For example, maybe If I get finished reading someone’s book or if someone has a sweet art project they doing or whatever other dumb shit people talk about on podcasts, we’ll sit down and talk about it for a bit. A lot of people seem to want to take that kind of content off-site, which is fine if that’s what you’re into, but I’m wanting to do it on Instagram where it’s accessible to everyone. I’ll fill everyone in when I nail that down better.
But anyway, down to y’alls’ dumbass suggestions for topics.
Immigrants taking your jobs:
Check it out man, Jose the roof builder getting hired to do some work instead of you isn’t Jose’s fault. Report your employer to the IRS because that shit’s illegal and your boss will get busted for it. Jose’s just trying to get along, your boss is the asshole, and he needs fucked. So, fuck that asshole and call the IRS.
Second note on immigration, I think we should weld the borders shut. Not just from Mexicans, but Canada too. And we should probably stop letting Asians, Africans, Europeans, Aussies, Kiwis, and Indians over too. Like, we’re full dude. There’s already too many people here, and on top of that we’re literally living in Nazi Germany Kentucky and it would be irresponsible to let anyone come to America while DRUMF is president because he personally hand-built a concentration camp in Michigan and is sending all the undesirables there. It’s pretty brutal, look it up. It’s called Detroit.
Speaking of government fuck ups though, Carl asked about the government. Look, the government’s fucked. I love my county, but Washington DC is something else completely. They put the CUNT in country. And I know this going to veer off into an attack on voters instead of the “leaders” of the nation, but most of voters are fucking idiots. If you honestly believe that democrats and republicans aren’t two heads on the same snake, congratulations, you’ve been successfully brainwashed and you apparently didn’t understand a damn work of 1984. Historically Republicans have been WAY worse about taking gun rights away that Democrats and Democrats have enacted far more egregious legislature aimed at minorities. There’s a reason Droney McPeaceprize was also called The Deporter in Chief. And what’s worse is that Donald Trump on policy is JUST as bad as Obama, and the only reason you actually think he’s that bad is that he handles his own twitter. Okay, “That bad” might have been a little off. They’ve all been that bad. You can come at me with how any of them are different when you show me that they voted against increasing the DOD budget AND show me how they’re actively trying to imprison people who voted to maintain the Patriot Act, which by the way Biden helped lay the groundwork for in the 90s.
Vote third party.
Anyway, speaking of the average American voter being a fucking moron, let’s talk about keeping your kids home from school when they’re sick. Look, I get it, the state wants your kids there so they can fill them full of shit like “Columbus was a good dude” and “The government’s not out to get you” and “There were no racists in the north prior to 1860 and people up there totally weren’t also complicit in slavery because their entire economy was driven by outsourced slave labor and the entire fucking war was just Virginia’s fault” but if your kid’s sick, keep them home. I know you didn’t vaccinate your crotch goblins because that dumb slut Karen you went to high school with roped you into a “Multi-level marketing campaign” and she says that vaccines have heavy metals in them and will make you kid magnetically attracted to semi-trucks and your kid will be smeared on the pavement like an opossum just because vaccines cause autism, but Karen’s a dumb fucking bitch. If she weren’t, she wouldn’t be trying to rope housewives she went to high school with into pyramid schemes. Stop listening to her, and get your kids vaccinated. I know that even with the shots kids still get sick. That’s a condition of being human. But if that disgusting thing you call a child is gushing snot out of its nose like Niagara falls and sneezing on everything spreading germs like Saddam Hussien trying to kill the Kurds, leave your kid at home. Don’t have a baby sitter? Lock the door. Not hard. I know you didn’t prepare for this when you either got pregnant when you were sixteen or when you knocked up your cousin at prom, but it’s not the rest of our faults that you can’t control your shit. Stop pushing your chemical warfare spreading demons at us. I would rather you just mail me anthrax. And speaking of spreading germs, quit worrying about the Coronavirus.
Look, all you fucking generation Z zoom zoom zoomers do is cry about how much you hate everything, millennials don’t shut the fuck up about either going to Iraq (Yes millennials are turning forty) or how much they hate boomers, and you boomers need to just fucking die. Well here’s the solution people. CORONA VIRUS. It ONLY kills old people. God is LITERALLY giving us a gift with this. If you’re under 60, apparently all the virus does is give you a cold for a week or two. Why is everyone so upset about this. You pray to GOD that the boomers would just die off but you bemoan the method in which your wish is granted? What did you WANT to happen? Were snakes supposed to kill them? Was ISIS supposed to make a resurgence and then infiltrate America and slit your neighbor Getrude’s throat just so she doesn’t vote Republican this year? Look, dude, embrace the virus. Fuck, if you’re between 18 and 40, go GET the virus, stop washing your hands after you shit, and just rub your hands and tongue on everything at Walmart, and all of your boomer problems will solve themselves.
And yes, I left out Generation X, but they haven’t done anything since Limp Bizkit broke up. They did a thing or two for the nookie then they’ve spent the last thirty years crying about Cobain even though Nirvana was a shit band for shitty people who couldn’t appreciate what a good time they were actually living in. If Generation X wants to talk, they should have taken care of Iraq the right way in Desert Storm instead of putting off so millenials had to do it for them. And while we’re on that note, nobody wants to hear you say “Back in my day.” Like yeah, dude, we get it, you and your ways are irrelevant because you couldn’t evolve with the rest of society.
THE FUTURE IS NOW OLD MAN!
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Author of Smokepit Fairytales.